Part I: The hike
by starcrest
Summary: It's pretty funny, and stupid at the same time. Don Juan the turtle parrot doesn't belong to me. 1x2, 3x4. A little Relena bashing and lotsa verbal abuse... to Relena... Very suggestive themes. They get lost on a hike, and are pursued by Relena.


Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of these characters (unfortunately) but if ever the chance in the future that I CAN claim it for myself, It's mine! Don't touch it!  
  
  
  
  
  
Starcrest: Les'see! What do I have today?  
  
Wufei: This had better be good, Woman!  
  
Trowa: Do I actually get to say anything but '.' in here?  
  
Starcrest: Not today, dear.  
  
Quatre: Can I have a pet?  
  
Starcrest: Depends on what kind of animal it is.  
  
Quatre: Well. TherewasthisbeggarseeandIfeltsorryforitanditfollowedmehomeandIpromise  
  
Tofeeditandloveitandwateritandcleanit'spoopiestoo. CanIkeepitcanicanIcanI  
  
Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee?  
  
Starcrest: The last time I let you bring home a homeless man, he escaped his yard and got hit by a car! Oh, and what about that dentist? He got rabies from that lawyer next door! The answer is no!  
  
Quatre: I'll love you forever.  
  
Starcrest: . okay.  
  
Heero: Is this a yoai fic?  
  
Duo: Yeah, do I get to screw Heero?  
  
Starcrest: You'll see. evil laughter  
  
All: gulp  
  
  
  
  
  
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Part I: The hike  
  
"You baka! We're lost because of you!" Wufei yelled at Duo.  
  
"Ah, it's not my fault! And you know it! Heero is the one who said he knew where we were going," Duo pointed accusingly at Heero, "It's your fault!"  
  
"Shut up. We can't be far from the real trail," Heero retorted," and you were the one that got us lost."  
  
"...!" Trowa warned them all. He certainly was not going to put up with all this arguing.  
  
"We shouldn't be fighting, guys!" Quatre told them all. "It's not right! We're the same!"  
  
"Shut up you sissy girl-boy! As if we need another idiot slowing us down!" Wufei turned from Quatre to Duo. "And you might as well be blonde too!"  
  
Hearing this, Quatre immediately burst into tears and ran off, not getting very far because he smashed into the tree right behind him. He quickly regained his senses and sat Indian-style with his face in his hands.  
  
Trowa had had enough. They made fun of his love and were arguing about something very idiotic. It made him very angry and he would have none of this.  
  
".!!!"  
  
All of the boys turned around to look at Trowa. Never in their lives had they heard him say such profound things before. Heartbroken and scared, Duo glomped Heero's abdomen and cried.  
  
"Heero! Did you hear what he said? He called me a retarded horny-monkey slut! It's not true, is it?"  
  
"Only the monkey part is wrong. The rest is very true. " Heero replied.  
  
"How dare you insult me! Injustice! Barton! Are you listening?" Wufei screamed at Trowa. But Trowa was too busy helping his crush off the ground and apologizing for taking part in such immature behavior to listen to him.  
  
" . . .?" Trowa asked softly, helping Quatre up.  
  
"Yes, I'm fine now, thanks to you, my good friend Trowa." Quatre replied  
  
.? Trowa asked himself. Didn't Quatre know how he felt about him? So he only thought of Trowa as a friend. Too bad.  
  
"Trowa? Is something wrong?" Quatre asked, noticing the puzzled look on his friend's face.  
  
" . . ." Trowa convinced him. He was not going to tell Quatre the truth and end up with a broken heart.  
  
"C'mon, everybody, we should get going now before it gets dark. I'm ready to go home. Besides--- my butt hurts and I think I got bit by a snake." Quatre said, standing next to Trowa and passionately rubbing his own rear end.  
  
., Trowa thought. He wanted to rub Quatre's rear end--- in many ways.  
  
"I have a tent!" Duo suddenly cried. " We could sleep here tonight, and roast marshmallows and hunt for wild boars an' stuff! Hey, Quatre has one too. Say, Quatre and Trowa can sleep together, Wufei can sleep with Don Juan, the stuffed turtle-parrot, and I'm gonna sleep with Heero!"  
  
"." Trowa liked the sound of that. He liked marshmallows.  
  
"I like Don Juan, the turtle-parrot." Wufei said, for Don Juan was his favorite stuffed animal.  
  
" I need poison control--- I was bit by a rattle snake." Quatre said.  
  
"I wanna sleep with Heero." Duo said.  
  
"Later, after we try to find the trail again." Heero said to them all, unfortunately having break their hearts. " And I'm not gay, Duo.  
  
Besides, we-" Heero immediately puked at the thought.  
  
" 'We'?" Duo asked.  
  
"We need to get out of here before 'it' finds us." He threw up again, thinking of 'it's' disgusting fat self.  
  
Everyone else puked too, thinking of "it". Wufei pulled Don Juan's pull string and Don Juan barfed as well.  
  
"Alright, let's get going." Wufei said, heading in the direction he thought they came from.  
  
"No! I saw them! I saw the pixies! We have to find them! Heero, pleeeeaaaaasssseeeee?" Duo protested, hoping Heero would let them continue looking for the pixies Duo supposedly saw.  
  
"There are no such things as pixies, fairies, gnomes, elves, phoenixes, demons, ghosts, Lock ness monsters (or any monsters of that sort), Pegasus, or anything else you can conjure up in your head that is COMPLETELY out of reality." Heero told him stiffly. "And even---"  
  
As Heero kept talking, a small flock of about forty or fifty pixies slowly flew behind him, stole his underwear without him noticing, and singing happily and merrily: "We'll steal your underpants without you know~~wing, beware: the underpants pixies! Underpants, underpants, underpants~~hants!" They flew off; hauling Heero's tightie-whities, into a thicket of brush, still singing in their elfy-like high-pitched voices.  
  
The other boys stared in awe and confusion as Heero kept talking after what had just happened. Hadn't he seen what happened? Didn't he feel it? He stopped talking abruptly when he noticed his fellow pilots staring at him with their mouths open.  
  
"What?" He asked.  
  
"D.didn't y.you just see that?! Feel that?!" Quatre screeched in fear. He just might be next in line.  
  
"Where's my underwear?" Heero asked. "Duo, did you." his voice trailed off.  
  
"The p.pixies! They just flew by and removed your underwear and you didn't notice?" Duo asked in a shaky voice.  
  
"Pixies?" So that's where they went. Heero wanted to make sure he heard correctly so he asked each one of the pilots separately if it was true, and they all agreed.  
  
***  
  
  
  
"Awwwwww. Heero. please? I.I'm so tired." Duo whined.  
  
"We're almost there, I know it." Heero said.  
  
"Hey, is he going to be alright?" Wufei asked, looking at Quatre, who was slung over Trowa's shoulder, passed out.  
  
"...?" Trowa asked. How the Hell was he supposed to know? Duo ran ahead of the four boys, stopped, and turned around to face them in a leader-like pose.  
  
"I say we stop right now and set up camp. Look, it's already nighttime!" Duo pointed to the beautiful azure sky, the sun shining brightly down on him.  
  
"No it's not, baka, it's still-----" Wufei started, but the sky suddenly turned dark and stars were soon visible. "How---how did you do that, Maxwell?" Wufei stammered.  
  
"The narrator loves me, that's how!" Duo cheered.  
  
" Hey, what if we're attacked by those pixies again? How will we defend against them?" Wufei asked.  
  
"..." Trowa answered.  
  
"Yeah, good idea Trowa. Wufei can stand outside our tents and drive away the pixies while we, ah, sleep together." Duo grinned mischievously.  
  
"Hey, that's not fair! I have to sleep too you know!" Wufei yelled.  
  
"Yeah, but you're always saying how strong you are. I'm sure you can manage one night out alone against all the bears and stuff." Duo said happily.  
  
"But---" Wufei protested.  
  
"Quit being a weak little woman, Wufei, and just do it dammit!" Duo yelled.  
  
"Fuck you! You're the girl you horny little bastard!" Wufei was royally pissed. But it didn't do him any good to yell. Heero had already set up the tent and was dragging Duo inside. He looked over to Trowa. Yelling at him wouldn't do any good either. Trowa had set Quatre down on the ground and was setting up his tent.  
  
"... ... " Trowa said to Wufei. He wasn't that coldhearted. Of course he brought an extra tent.  
  
"Thanks, Trowa, you're the only one who understands me." Wufei wanted to cry, but held back because it would be weak to cry. And Wufei was NOT weak.  
  
"...? ..." Trowa asked. He didn't want Wufei to forget about Don Juan, the turtle-parrot. He also didn't want Wufei to feel alone. But then again, like Hell he was sleeping in their tent!  
  
"Thanks. Come on, Don Juan. We're gonna sleep in a tent. How cool!" Wufei hugged the Don Juan, then pulled on his pull-string. The turtle parrot's wings flapped and its beak began to move: "Sleep, sleep! Sleep, sleep! Sun goes down! Sleep, sleep!"  
  
Wufei blushed and hugged the stuffed animal again. "How poetic, Don Juan!"  
  
He pulled the string again: "Trowa is a stinking bastard! Grarrah! gimme a cracker, a cracker, a cracker! I need a cracker to crack your ---" Wufei, covering Don Juan's mouth, ran away quickly upon seeing Trowa approach him with a shotgun.  
  
  
  
***  
  
Inside Heero and Duo's tent, the two of them had just set up their sleeping bags and were getting comfortable. Duo's sleeping bag was red, and Heero's was green. Heero sat for a minute and watched Duo straighten out his bag. Suddenly, Heero had to pee more than he ever had in his life.  
  
"Hold on, I'll be right back." He started to crawl out of the tent when Duo turned and looked at him: "Where are you going?"  
  
"I'm gonna go take a piss, so leave me alone." He left Duo sitting there with naughty little ideas running through his head.  
  
"I have an idea. Heh, heh, heh..." Duo chuckled. This was gonna be good.  
  
***  
  
"N...n-now, now, T...T-Trowa... Please don't! H-He d-didn't mean it!" Wufei stammered as Trowa stalked him, gun in hand.  
  
".!" Trowa yelled.  
  
"Ughnnnn..." Quatre's head poked out of the tent. "whaa....Troo..aahh..."  
  
"..." Trowa urged him back inside the tent. Forget Wufei, he had his lover to take care of. Trowa got inside the tent, and Quatre's sleepy little head disappeared from sight.  
  
"Well, Don Juan, I guess it's just you and me tonight. Wufei set up his tent and got inside.  
  
***  
  
Heero finished his bathroom break and headed back for the tent. Trowa and Wufei were gone now, so thankfully it was quiet. When he unzipped the tent and got inside, he found Duo stark naked, with his legs spread out wide. Heero zipped the tent back up almost nonchalantly, then looked Duo over. He didn't know Duo looked even more gorgeous naked...  
  
"Hey, baby, do I make you horny, baby, yeah?" Duo imitated his all-time favorite celebrity, Austin Powers. Heero pounced on Duo, removing his own clothing rather quickly. This was going to be rough.  
  
***  
  
Trowa hugged Quatre close to him. "...?"  
  
"Ughnnn...yeah... I... am fine... Trooww.. aah." Quatre tried to speak but was too weak.  
  
"..." Trowa wanted Quatre to save his strength. Being bitten by a snake was NOT a good thing.  
  
" I have a confession... to make... I gave myself sleeping pills so I was slow... I wanted to be alone with you... I'm sorry Trooo..waaa..." Quatre let out a heavy sigh of relief, as if the weight of the world he was carrying on his shoulders had just disappeared. Trowa was thankful that he was fine. But why had Quatre lied to him? Why couldn't he have just told him his true feelings?  
  
"Are you angry...? Trowaaa...?" Quatre was getting worried. His koibito hadn't "said" anything yet. Trowa was looking thoughtful. Quatre wanted him to say something. Was he angry? Maybe he should try talking to him... "Koibito...?"  
  
Trowa looked at Quatre strangely. Had Quatre just called him sweetheart? Yes, he had. ".?...?...?...!..." Trowa grasped Quatre's hand in his own. Did he like him like that? Was it all right to be gay? Why was he wearing teddy bear panties? He was in love! There was no question to it. Quatre looked at his koi in shock.  
  
"I didn't know you felt that way Trowa...." Well, Trowa did. He leaned over and kissed Quatre passionately.  
  
"Oh, Trowa, I'm so sorry." Quatre apologized again, returning the kisses earnestly.  
  
Oh. how romantic. Blah!  
  
***  
  
  
  
Outside, sitting by the campfire that was made earlier, and wasn't mentioned, Wufei sat by himself angrily sharpening his katana.  
  
"Stupid Don Juan," he grumbled, " You don't even have fingers and still you beat me at 'paper, rock, scissors!' Maybe I should change to scissors next time."  
  
He looked over to the tent Don Juan was occupying. Wufei cursed silently at the tent, and started talking to himself again. "It's not fair that I have to stay out here and keep guard. I mean, it's not like it's actually gonna find us---"  
  
"Heeeeee~rrrrooooo!" Came a high pitch, no, a dozen high pitched little voices.  
  
Wufei jumped up and screamed as a swarm of tiny pixies flocked around him, hitting and biting him. Everywhere. Using his katana, he defended himself as best he could, but to no avail, only managed to kill maybe four of them.  
  
Hearing the screams and distracted from their. *ahem*. activities, Trowa, Quatre, Heero, and Duo poked their heads out to see what the commotion was. They immediately covered their ears at the horrible sound, which sounded a lot like Relena (a.k.a. "it") and screamed with Wufei.  
  
Heero, having enough of this, reached back into the tent and pulled out a shotgun. Aiming it at some of the fairies, he pulled the trigger and blasted about half of them. The remaining fairies were suddenly quiet, which made Heero hesitate from killing the rest, and parted down the middle as a fairy with a crown on approached the front where he/she/it (( say it fast and you get "he shit!") could be seen.  
  
"I am the fairy king," he started, in a tiny voice. "I declare now that we have found you five young men and will now notify our Queen of your position."  
  
All of the fairies looked up into the sky, and in unison, sang out: "Heeeeeeee~rrrrrrrooooooo!!!!!!!!"  
  
Heero blasted the remaining fairies before everyone's eardrums burst.  
  
"Thanks, Heero, you saved us all." Quatre said before disappearing back into the tent with Trowa. Heero nodded and dragged a smiling Duo back into the tent. Wufei sat on the ground, grumbling about injustice some more with a whole bunch of fairy blood on him.  
  
  
  
***  
  
Relena sat in her room, which by the way used to be a hangar for all five Gundams (she had to move into there because after Heero left, she couldn't fit into a normal room,) eating a bunch of Cheetos from a dump truck. The pig---- she was finishing her fifth truck!!!  
  
"Heeeeeeeeee~rrrrroooooooo!!!" Came a cry from the distance. She ran to the window and listened.  
  
"Ah! My friends have located my beloved Heero! I shall run to see him!"  
  
She bounded through the wall and toward where the cry came from.  
  
"Heero, I will find you and marry you, and we will never be apart! Pagan! Come quickly! We're leaving now!"  
  
***  
  
  
  
The boys woke up at about noon, each in high spirits and feeling refreshed. After eating breakfast and packing up, they began walking in the direction they supposed was home.  
  
Duo couldn't help but wonder about last night. "I can't help but wonder about last night." He said. "I wonder why those things sounded so much like Rele---"  
  
Quatre covered Duo's mouth quickly before he said the "R" word. "Duo, you know better than that! He'll go nuts again if you mention that name!" He pulled his hand away from Duo's mouth, and pointed to Heero.  
  
"What, 'Relena'?" Duo asked.  
  
"Everyone down!" Wufei cried, and everyone threw themselves down to the ground just in time as Heero whipped his pistol out and went into a frenzy.  
  
"Where? Where? I'll kill the bitch! Where is she! Aha! Thought you could hide from me, eh?" He began shooting wildly at a boar that happened to be walking by. Poor thing. Looking like Relena, or the other way around, it never had a chance. After emptying the gun, he stood for a while, breathing heavily.  
  
Slowly, Quatre got up and walked to Heero. Placing a hand on his shoulder, he calmly said: " It's alright now Heero, she's dead now."  
  
Heero went back to normal and started walking back in the direction they were going before, as if nothing had happened.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
An hour or so later, exhausted from walking so much, the boys began to bicker among themselves.  
  
"I'm thirsty!" Duo whined.  
  
"What's the matter? Didn't get enough from Heero last night?" Wufei sneered.  
  
".!" Trowa told Wufei.  
  
"Trowa, that's mean!" Quatre scolded.  
  
"Injustice! What do you mean I suck at 'Paper, Rock, Scissors'?!"  
  
".!"  
  
"Rock is mighty! I choose it because it is strong --- like me!"  
  
".!"  
  
"What do you mean 'paper beats rock?!'"  
  
".!"  
  
"Well, it's no wonder then why Don Juan always beats me.!"  
  
"Hey, guys, it's not nice to fight! We're the same!"  
  
"Quit saying that, Quatre, it's getting on everyone's nerves. Stop acting like such a girl!"  
  
"Talk about acting like a girl, Duo! At least I don't have hair down to my ass!"  
  
".!"  
  
"Shut up, Trowa, it's not like you can see how girlish he is anyway! You can't even see through one of your eyes!"  
  
"Duo, you're horrible!"  
  
Heero, growing quite agitated, spun around and faced them.  
  
"That's enough you guys! If we're going to get anywhere, we need to work together!"  
  
"Wow, I think that's the first time I've ever heard Heero say something like that." Quatre said.  
  
"Well, I have. Just last night, he---" Wufei started, but stopped cold at the death glare he was given by Heero.  
  
"Alright, he's right. We should work together."  
  
"."  
  
"Yeah, Trowa, I think so too!"  
  
"I just hope we don't have to set up camp again."  
  
The five boys huddled in a circle and high-fived each other.  
  
They went on their way, somewhat in silence. I guess they didn't want to break the bond the shared at the moment.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
The Fat Thing was just barely hovering six feet off the ground. Fourteen helicopters held her suspended over the earth, and it seemed as if they were having trouble keeping her up.  
  
"Pagan! I think I need another dozen or so! Come on! How am I supposed to get to my beloved if you can't even get me there in time?" It howled.  
  
"Very well, your highness, I shall get twenty more." Pagan, the really strange ugly old guy, said into the intercom that went to a little radio in Relena's ear.  
  
"Good! I must get there quickly. I'm coming! Heeeeeeeee~rrrrrrroooooo!"  
  
As soon as the high pitch squeal came, seven helicopters exploded and the rest malfunctioned a little, causing the remaining ones to have to land. Relena fell to the ground, causing an Earthquake that went up the San Andreas Fault, and killed many innocent people. Thirty-four helicopters came, fourteen to replace the broken ones, and shot out cables that latched into her skin and fat to ensure that she wouldn't fall and kill people again. She didn't feel it though, because all the blubber absorbed whatever pain should be there.  
  
And off they went, carrying her toward the forest, and stopping along the way to eat a couple farms and a Taco Bell.  
  
  
  
***  
  
The boys had been walking for quite a while now, and were getting thirsty. They had run out of water an hour ago, because Duo felt it necessary to stop and bathe, and then wash his hair.  
  
And then Quatre heard it. A river. "Hey, guys, I think I smell a river!" Quatre pointed in the direction that he believed contained the sound. They ran that way, and sure enough, they found a river. Yay.  
  
"How wonderful! Good job, Quatre, you deserve a cookie!" Duo cheered.  
  
"Oh, yeah, well where is it?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Uhhhh. It's coming. Oh, I sent it in the mail. You'll get it." Duo said, hoping the blond would buy it.  
  
"Oh, okay then. I hope they were Oreos!" Quatre cried out happily. Everyone except Quatre sweat dropped.  
  
Due to their short attention spans, they all forgot and went to drink some water. The water was clear, clean and good. It was a raging river though, so it couldn't be crossed. (Huh? Hey, I think I just saw a monkey!) But they all stopped dead in their tracks (it's just a saying) and looked up, a horrified look on each of their faces at what they saw. A huge shadow was crossing over toward them, and stopped slightly to the right.  
  
"OH MY GOD!!!!! IT'S HERE!!!!!" Duo screamed. The boys wanted to flee in panic, but the were too late because the thing had already landed behind them. Slowly they turned around, and saw. RELENA! Scared yet? You should be.  
  
"My Heero! I have finally found you. Come and kiss me, I welcome you with open arms!" Relena cawed. Heero backed away a little, and suddenly remembered the trick to hide from her.  
  
"Quick, cover your eyes! If we can't see her, she can't see us!" Heero cried. The pilots did as they were instructed, and sure enough, Relena was standing there, confused. She looked to her right, then slowly to her left, and shrugged. Where had they gone?  
  
Duo, fearing he might be squashed when she moved after she gave up searching for them, had an idea. He uncovered his eyes, and suddenly he was visible to Relena.  
  
"Oh, Duo. Have seen my Heero? Did you see where he went?" She asked.  
  
"Uh-huh. He just jumped into that river there. I don't know what got into him. Better catch him quick." Duo said to her.  
  
"Oh! He might drown and he might need mouth-to-mouth recitation! I will save you, my beloved!" She cried, jumping into the river. She floated on it, bobbing up and down in the water. There was a waterfall about 20 feet from where she had jumped in. Instead of going over, she got caught between two rocks and stayed there.  
  
"Quickly, guys, let's cross over her before she gets out!" Quatre cried.  
  
They all ran over her, and just for safety precautions, Heero fired a bullet at her head. Unfortunately, though, her head was too thick and it bounced off.  
  
They ran about sixty yards, and found the trail.  
  
"Yes, finally! The trail, the stinking trail!" Duo cried out. He, Quatre, and Trowa danced happily on the path. Heero and Wufei started walking down it, and a few minutes later, the were joined by the happy threesome (bad hentais, I mean the three pilots!)  
  
"Hey, guys, I see a fairy!" Duo called to them before bounding off.  
  
"Dammit, Duo, not again!" The four pilots cried.  
  
  
  
The end. 


End file.
